


Separating The Man From The Monster

by Dejahthoris



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 00:43:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9692147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dejahthoris/pseuds/Dejahthoris
Summary: Remus struggles with how the moon phase affects the way he treats Sirius, particularly the way he treats him in their most intimate ways. How can he tell himself he isn't a monster, if he can't even control the wolf while in human form?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've read quite a bit where people think Remus would get more rough and sexually violent close to the full moon, and while I am down for some rough smut I can't help feeling this particular scenario is sometimes handled wrong when dealing with Remus' character. Of course this is my preferred take on the subject and is not to be taken as an attack on anyone who feels differently! To each their own after all~
> 
> Also, I ship Remus with Tonks just as much as I ship him with Sirius and since I couldn't decide which pairing I liked tackling this subject better, I just made two versions, this of course being the WolfStar variant.

The steady breathing of his sleeping lover was the only soundtrack to Remus’ melancholy musings in the dark. The curtains of the widow beside the bed were open just enough for the nearly full moon to peak through and haunt the werewolf’s thoughts. He was feeling it again, that animalistic urge he fought so hard against. He had always been prone to moodiness in the week leading up to the full moon, but as he got older the darker, more sexual ferocity within his mood swings got worse.

He hated it.

He was not an animal. That was the mantra he had to repeat all his life. He was only a monster during the full moon, while in human form he wanted- needed to feel in control. He despised the idea of the wolfish monster and his true, human form mingling at all. And the aggressive sexual desires were definitely due to the wolf within him.

Sirius hadn’t cared, apparently. When those needs got the better of Remus and he pinned Sirius to a wall or woke him in the middle of the night by roughly pressing his face down in the pillows, he never protested.

He hated it.

While neither of them were opposed to airing on the rougher side of sex every once in awhile, this was different. This was brutality and Remus saw it as nothing less than abusive. He had nearly broken Sirius’ arm while pinning it behind his back last month, and Sirius had let him. He never spoke any verbal form of disapproval during the act or later, even though Remus knew he wanted to. The look on his face said everything he needed to know, but lost in his own beastly desires, Remus never cared until days after the fact.

He looked over at the man who was simultaneously his best friend and lover now, already wrestling with the urge to put his fingers around his neck and tear off his trousers. He needed to touch at least, so Remus settled for reaching out and running his shaking fingers through Sirius’ silky dark locks of hair. The movement woke him and after a moment of steering Sirius opened his eyes.

“Everything alright, Moons?” he all but grumbled, seemingly unaware of the brutal things Remus was fighting the compulsion to do to him.

Why, why did this amazing adonis put up with him, Remus wondered. Why did Sirius let the wolf force such painful things on him.

Without a word Remus moved, straddled the other man and grabbed his wrist. He pinned them to the headboard hard and dug his nails into the fair flesh so hard that there would surely be some bleeding.

“Re-” Sirius started, surprise evident in his uneven tone.

“Is this what you want?” Remus growled and his lovers eyes widened still “Is this what you like? Do like it when I loose control?!” He accentuated the words by digging his nails in even deeper, causing Black to bit his lip and pinch his eyes shut.

“Rem, I don’t- what are you-”

“Do you like this?!” Remus repeated “When the moon makes me this way, when I turn into a beast? Do you like it when I become a monster inside and out?” his voice cracked towards the end, far too many conflicting emotions and needs warring inside him. “Why do you let me do these things to you, Sirius!? Why do you let me hurt you like the monster I fight so hard to deny?!”

“Remus…” his tone was low, sad even, but he knew exactly what the werewolf was talking about now. “Remus, I let you do those things…because I think it makes your transformations easier.”

That sunned the werewolf. His grip went slack as he looked down at the man who had accepted and loved him since they first met. “…What?…”

Sirius pulled his wrist free from the mans grip, ignoring the beads of blood dotting where his nails had dug in, and placed his hand on Remus’ cheek. “If you fight those urges and needs, I think it makes your transformations harder, Moony. I’ve seen you wrestle with this for so long and you shouldn’t have to anymore. If letting you take your more… animalistic needs out on me helps make this time of the month easier for you, then I’ll do it.”

After only a moment of that declaration hanging between them, Remus let a sob escape his throat as he plunged his face into the crook of Sirius’ neck. Black put one hand on the back of his lovers head and turned his face to place his lips to his now damp cheek.

“I don’t deserve this.” Remus whispered, the tearful confession muffled by pale skin.

“Oh shut up, Moony.”

He pulled back again, this time to look into the other mans eyes with a new kind of intensity. “No, Padfoot, you don’t understand. I can’t…I won’t let myself do those things to you anymore. You know how long I’ve struggled with feeling like a monster. I keep telling myself that it’s just the wolf that’s out of control, that only when I transform am I the beast most assume I am… How can I tell myself that… if I let the animal control my actions while in human form? I need that solace, Sirius. I need to know that the man is separate from the wolf. So please, don’t let me do those things to you anymore, not when I’m influenced by the moon.” With that Remus pressed his forehead to Sirius’ neck and spoke his last words in a manner that was so gentle and loving, it almost made Sirius want to start crying himself. “Even without all that, I can’t stand the idea of hurting the love of my life.”

Sirius had never thought of things like that before, but he understood now. He took the wolfs hand in his own and lifted his wrist to his lips, kissing the scars littered across pale, far too young skin.

“I’ll do anything you need me to, Remus. Anything. You’re the love of my life too.”

Promises made in the dead of night, between the boy who never thought he could be loved, and the boy who searched for love and found it in his closest friend.


End file.
